It's been a long time deviant and i can't promise that i'll be back. For the moment I am here and I wan't to say that in the past three or four years since i've posted something alot has happend and a lot has changed. Phookabooka and I are no longer the loving turtles we once were. On December 17th, 2006, the six year relationship came to an end. It ended for several reasons and though some might feel indifferntly about why or who was the one who brought it to it's end, is neither here nor there. The aftermath of the break-up is another thing that is very hard to discuss or even describe to those of you reading this. I can't even begin to explain to any of you how much this relationship has effected me and my life after the break-up.
I did alot of stupid things through the course of this relationship, i engaged in behavior that wasn't of a high moral standing. I acted in ways that were selfish and self-involved and I didn't think nor care of anyone's well being but my own and sometimes not even my own. Therefore I feel the end of the relationship falls solely on my shoulders and mine alone. From where I stand today in my life, I can no longer try to blame or hold anomosity towards Phookabooka for this break-up. I was not the boy-friend/lover/best-friend that I should of been, communication between the two of us broke down and honestly I didn't care, I was so far into a depression that there was nothing to pull me out or make me see the error in my ways or even cause me to concern myself with pulling the relationship out of the nose dive it was spiraling deeply down into. And for that I am deeply greatly sorry. I should have been there for you when you needed me to be, I should have been a man and took responsibility for what it was i was doing and not doing and instead I wallowed even deeper in my own self induldged pitty that is "woe-is-me". I wanted everyone to fix my problems for me and deal with the messes that I made and love me unconditionally in my wake of terror and destruction and selfishly still wanted that years after the relationship was over.
Sometimes I find myself wishing that I had waken up during that horrible nightmare and snapped to be the man that I needed to be. But I didn't. I have been dealing with the thoughts, the guilts, and the overwhelming amount of disappointment that I caused. Everyone wanted me to change, everyone wanted me to do what was right, everyone wanted me to be the man that they knew i was suppose to be. But at that time in my life I was so self-involved that I couldn't nor did I want to, because in my eyes, there was nothing wrong with the things I was doing and again, I am sorry for that.
A couple of years after the break-up, I attempted soberty for the first time. I attempted soberty for selfish reasons, for reasons I thought would be a quick way out of trouble, that would solve all my problems make them go away and I could go back to being what i considered to be "me". I went so far as to take an anti-depressant (though not a bad idea), join AA, and even go to a place that was suppose to help "get better". Though all of these things are in place to help people, but it only helps those who want help. Little did i realize then in my mad game of snow balling and finding the quick ways out of trouble, that all of these things I did would eventually come and nip me in the butt in the most unexpected of ways.
During my time in the "place of help", I was commended on my brutual knowledge of the defects in my own personality, I was praised for my undying knowledge of the human psyche, but not a single one of them could understand, including myself, if I had all of this knowledge and realized all of my own personal flaws why was I in there with them. Well I think that's quite simple I was in there as a quickway out, I was there looking for a solution to my problems, but my solution didn't lie there nor did being there help any of my problems. The number reason why this is is because I was my problem. I was my biggest enemy and I knew it, but didn't want to change it, because I believed I was happy.
I always thought that when I found myself in my most happiest moment, i.e. I'd be with someone, I wouldn't have to worry about money, courts, police, or the possibilty of going to jail, and I'd be able to do whatever I wanted when I wanted (drinking and drugging). However, while still pursuing my hearts desire I had to quickly come face to face with reality and it was that I was living two different lives, though I didn't know it at the time, I was the only one buying into my double life twist. Everyone else clearly knew what was going on, but there was nothing they could do or say to change me from doing it. I was arrested for a capias charge and so began the facing of reality and the unexpected turn of events to follow.
Prior to being arrested I had made commitements to being involved in certain things that had I not been available for would put the people in charge in a tough spot. I also came face to face with the fact that I wasn't 18 or early 20's anymore. That the time of playing around and being a kid were over and it was now time to be an adult and be an active productive memember in society. I have never in my life been so humilated before and for the first time I thought and felt for the other people indirectly involved and those who would be affected by my poor choices. I made a solomn vow that night sitting in the back of the squad car, that I was finished with this part of my life. That I am twenty-seven and not seventeen and that it was time to start acting like it and time to pay the piper. And paying the piper I am.
The aftermath of all of this is my soberty, minus the AA, minus the anti-depressant, and minus the "place of help". (I am not saying that these things don't help people, because they do, there are some people who need these things to survive) But along with my wonderful soberty comes the facing of reality and having to deal with things from the past and one of them is the ending of that relationship. And I am starting to get a better understanding of all the feelings I have about this. This doesn't make me a better person, this doesn't make a different person, this doesn't suddenly change the person who I am. What this is... is reality.
I can't apologize enough to the people I have used, hurt, disrespected, and down right pissed on through the years. But I will always be deeply greatful to all of you, for everything you have done and for everything you decided not to you. I know that it took a strong kind of love to simply sit back and watch the car wreck in slow motion, but luckly the wreck didn't happen, there were no lives lost, in some respect. The future is now and from now on it is very bright and I'm glad that I'll be here to see the rest of it from now on.

Thank you to all of you who took the time to read this,
Love Always and Forever,
Brandon Anthony Huffer
A.K.A Branie
P.K.A Turtle